These are all true stories, by the way...

When you start your car and the starter motor squeals for about 5 seconds because you didn't realize it was already running.

When you play tag with your blind cat.

When you shit yourself trying to fart, piss yourself laughing, and then just forget everything happened and fall asleep.

When after something good happens you hear the chime from Zelda when you discover a secret, and think nothing odd of it.

When you accidentally hurt your pet frog's eye while playing with it, and hope to get on his good side by feeding him chicken

When you throw your cat a pack of tally-hos and a gram and tell it to go roll a fucking joint.

When the cat actually rolls you the joint

When you suspect your parents are Zionist agents out to kill you because your biological father was a meth addict, Hitler used meth, and your step-father is part jewish.

When you are trying to drink honey and none comes out no matter how hard you squeeze it, and you keep squeezing it for 10 minutes while watching the Colbert Report, and then you realize the bottle was no where near your mouth, and your friend Jacob gets mad at your for making a puddle of honey in his bed

When you start talking to your disco ball and after a lengthy conversation, actually consider taking off one of the color caps and sticking your dick in it

When you say to your friend "...wait, why are there two of us?"

When you think your heart is going to explode and you need water hhhhhhhhella bad. so you go to get water, grab a cup and set it down because you have to think more. Then you think "fuck i need some water" so you grab a cup and fill it up and set it down. then think more. then you think, "where is my cup?" so you grab another cup and set it down and think. then you realize, "WOW DUDE I FORGOT TO GET WATER AGAIN!?!" so you take your cup and fill it up and drink some and set it down. THEN YOU FIND YOUR OTHER CUP. so now you have 2 fucking cups, and your not that thirsty. So, FINALLY, you get back to your friends room.

WHERE THE FUCK IS MY FUCKING CUP?

When you play air guitar and act like your in a real concert and jump off your bed playing an amazing solo and hit your head on the wall.

When you compete with your friend as to who can get pulled over after driving around the city for fifteen minutes blow the highest on a breathalyser and NOT be arrested.

When you're smoking in a deserted park and some old bitch is yelling at you to get out of there and all you can do is wave and smile.

When your favourite album has songs on it you've never heard before

When you spend 3 hours looking at cat websites then can't find your own cat.

When you go to pet store to buy food for said cat cause you're out.

When you return home and realise you don't have a cat. And you forgot the cat food.

When you walk through the drive-through trying to score crack and cigarettes because you're on a 'hella mad comedown'

When you're sitting in a tree at 11 at night with a cowboy hat on and nothing else, and the reason your up there is cause you heard a deer, and you got scared of it. Then you drop the blunt and wont go get it because of the deer. And you live in metropolitan australia.

When you call shotgun and sit in the seat for an hour before you realise you're the driver and everybody else got out and walked when you didn't answer.

When you remember having 200mg morphine left over before you went to bed, and you're no longer even in the same freaking city.

When you're convinced that your ATV can climb over that rusted VW Beetle in the middle of the woods, and you're rushed to the emergency room to get twelve stitches, a tetanus shot and an orange lollipop.

When someone says "cop" you freak the fuck out and try to put your coat on for 20 minutes to make a quick escape

When your neighbours are having a domestic dispute and you're hanging over the fence, blazed as fuck and telling them what to throw next.

When you somehow manage to fall up stairs.

When you watch shrek 2 in Spanish for 45 min the realize its not in English.

When you loudly complain how you're losing so bad at Super Smash Brothers only to realise you're playing Mario Kart. Alone.

When you're enjoying your waffles and start beating off to mrs butterworth

When you're hotboxing. In a motherfucking igloo.

When you realise that igloo is actually the freezer section in Woolworths and decurity is about to break the big glass door because you've locked it from the inside.

When the joint inhales you.

When you don't beat the shit out of your mom for flushing your eighth

When you smile and skip blindly through the middle of traffic looking at the stars, and wonder why they're getting closer so fast.

When you can jack off in your sleep

When you run into the police and you hear the '!' sound from metal gear solid

When you duel a green tengu and the next morning your friend asks you where his watermelon's gone.

When you tell your professor, loudly, to skip the foreplay and get to the damn point.

You wonder why the steak tastes like bootpolish and realise you've just cooked your boots in the oven.

And there's also bootpolish in the f***** next to the tabasco.

When your friend's mom shows you her tits and you realize that she's had them out calling your name for the past 5 minutes trying to get your attention.

When you have a conversation with someone at Best Buy about Fidel Castro.

When you and some stranger team up on keyboards at Best Buy to have a Super Mario Bros Theme Music Jam Session. He was probably high too. We had a rather large crowd of people around us in the Horror/Keyboard section until some employees made us stop.

When you get a rising shotgun, pass out and go into convultions on your kitchen floor and your mom walks in and looks at you and says "Heh, amatuer."

When you see Borat after snorting 10 mgs of oxycontin via percocets in your car off a pizza coupon. You proceed to leave and go into the lobby and an employeed with a huge bag of popcorn says "perks". You proceed to congradulate him on how he "knows what the fucks up" and then realize 10 minutes later he was talking about job perks as in the big ass bag of popcorn.

When your friends have to tell you about how you tried to steal a cop car in order to lure a helicopter and 'trade up until you got a space shuttle'.

When you are being interviewed for a scholarship and you take a case of whitecastles with you and down then during the interview.

When you take a field trip to the police shooting range and the drug dog barks at you for 5 hours, your eyes are bloodshot and you are searched by the pigs, not once, not twice, but three times in the five hour period that you are there.

When you are volunteering at the special Olympics and your retard beats you at every game you play

When your friend in front of you walks straight into a concrete pillar and you laugh so hard you forget what happened and then you walk straight into it too

When you're doing 180 down a highway on the way to a country town for a gig and playing Roadhouse Blues so loud it's blowing the cherry out of your smoke and you realise it's been dirt for the past fifteen minutes and there's a lizard spread across your windshield.

When you've been driving for five minutes and you still haven't made it out of the parking lot yet.

When you've just eaten half a pizza in about thirty seconds, realise you haven't breathed or swallowed in that time and go into convulsions.

When you offer to moderate the Anarchist's Cookbook forum

When you pledge allegiance to an imaginairy African bullfrog smoking Havana cigars

When you wake up in bed with some girl on an island you have know idea who she is, how you got there, where you are and why your bank account is seriously overdrawn.

When you wake up the next day covered in cuts, bruises and paint

When you take life advice from a cat.

When you're talking to some guy about cooking, then he asks you to give him your personal recipe for something, you try to say it to him but you're talking so fucking fast he can't hear you at all, so you try to write it down but you get frustrated with the pen and just scribble all over the paper and shout FUCK IT then run off and become best friends with some people you have never met.

When you stand at your door afraid to go to the bathroom, because you have to walk right past the big-ass mirror, which for some reason is terrifying. You dash out, do your business. There's a mirror in the bathroom you have no trouble with. You nod and laugh and forget the mirror phobia you suddenly developed. You step out. You look in the mirror. You smile, high-five yourself. Then get pissed off. You make those gang-signs where you spread out your arms and look tough at yourself. You remember you're scared as shit and run back to your room yelling.

When the deer breaks into your house to finish you off.

When try to put on your favourite album, can't find it, get so angry you smash the stereo and realise the CD was already in there and had been playing for twenty minutes already.

When you're writing a 3000 word essay about anger for you court ordered sanctions, and all you can do is string words together that seem to run on and go in circles, all while having your head down on the desk laughing, trying not to let the judicial mediator see that you're fucked up.

When you take a trip to KFC to get one of their mashed potato bowl meals and a large order of popcorn chicken, everything goes great, you order fine, you pull up to the window and hand them your money without cracking a smile, you wait a bit and the lady in the window asks, "What kind of sauce do you want withyour popcorn chicken?" and you reply, "Ummm, I want sweet and sour. WAIT! NO! NO! I MEAN RANCH! OH GOD PLEASE RANCH!" While vigorously shaking your head back and forth, and the lady gives you the food and sauce and you leave like nothing happened.

When you're listening to music at your computer, let go of your mouse and stare at it till it starts moving, and you have finally found the secret to unlocking telekinesis in the human mind, you just have to be high enough to believe in it. Then an hour of telekinetic websurfing later you realize you've never taken your hand off the mouse to begin with.

When you stare at your own feet and wonder what the hell they are doing there for and think it is such a violation that they are just there.

When You're sitting in the park that you live in atm and you're watching 9 hours of armies engaging in burly kung-fu battle in frozen tracers and the gnomes that live in the tree are laughing at you but it's all cool when suddenly you realize that 500-foot-tall-giants are gazing down at you, directly upon you, from all around the city - and they're teleporting...

...and you consider this sober.

When you're lying face-down on your bed, in your room, reading a book. Somehow, you're just the most snugly comfortable you have ever been in your life. So... you're lying face-down on a bed, in the rain forest, reading a book... You decide it's a pleasant enough place to keep reading your book. The foliage is certainly quite pretty.

When you're in Mickey d's and order 4 big macs and a coke, then walk over to the counter with condiments and briefly set your tray down, but with half of the tray off of the counter, so it starts to tilt. The soda falls off, turning upside down and speeding towards the floor. In a split second your arm shoots downwards, catching the bottom of the soda and flippinf it right side up before a drop can be spilled. Then a mexican yells "Nice catch, brother!" in the most outrageous ly exaggerated spanish accent, and it takes all your willpower not to burst out laughing.

When your friend yells "STOP, YOU'RE RIPPING THE INSTRUCTIONS!" so you stop look down and realize your opening a bag of wood.

When you tell everyone you just saw the wind blowing and nobody believes you so you decide to put it to the test and get the fastest runner of the group to run around and get a 'wake' behind him so that you can all see the wind.

When you piss a valet parker guy off so much that he runs up and KICKS your car in front of paying customers.

psh ive fallen UP stairs sober

when you try pooring chocolate sauce in your mouth but get it all over the floor

when your running and then stop imediatly because your about to run off a cliff, but then reliese its just the curb

when you just have to go stand in the middle of that field

when you think you died and the only way to get back to life is to go to the air port wich is a 7/11

whewn your a buffalo with a bow and arrow

when your being hunted by a deer (your not the only one ghost, but mine was real)

when you spend two hours thinking about how your wooden floor became your floor

when you know everything

when you have to have other people open your locker

when you lite your cat on fire because it wont stop talking to you (happened to a friend)

when you can see people watching you with 3D glasses through a movie screen

when right after that movie you forget what had just happend in those 90mins

when your orrder a drink, right after you just orderd a drink

when your telling the purple thing forming in the bath foset that its not real

when everythings a puzzle

when your jesus

when you run a football field in 5secs because your friend decided to play his police syrin ringtone

when you spend 45mins skanking in the middle of your friends liveing room freestyleing frosty the snow man

when the golf corse is a carpet

when you wonder where that music is comeing from then reliese you have yoyur ipod on

when you swear you pissed yourself and spend 10mins trying to prove you did

wheb you can seee through yourself

When the shadows won't let you go back inside.

When you make ten trips through the kitchen trying to find more food.

When you steal a bottle of cologne from a store and immediatly walk up to the security guard to chat 'cause you feel bad.

heres one

you know your sober when you ask if you got new door nobs, when they have been there for four years

Hahaha, I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time.

You know your high when you read an entire book called sex, drugs, Einstein and elves in one day and think you understand all of it.

When a powerful orgasm like energy pulses through your body and you feel like your astral traveling and you see machine elves so you think someone put DMT in with your weed, then come to the conclusion that your soul is made up of electromagnetic radiation and the DMT was having sex with it (there was no DMT)

When you dig up all of the plants in front of a bank so you can make a salad

When you are at a party and see two girls making out and think there killing each other so you try to tell them it would be much better if you brought back tacos and joined them.

If your playing video games and you become the guy in the game.

And when you read Johnny the homicidal maniac comics and decide to reenact everything you just read.

hmmm.... that happened to me actually...

we've discussed this though

and when the precursor to everything you do is an epic adventure playing out in your head like a day dream

ex: like when your making a sandwich.

When you think you shit yourself and keep checking yourself every 5 minutes only to find out once you sober up you never really did.

You waste a carton of eggs trying to cook them in the microwave.

You waste another carton because you find out if you put a bowl over the top of the egg it shoots it up in the air.

You light a firecracker and forget your supposed to throw it.

You completely forgot you took the shrooms and spend 20 minutes trying to figure out why everything is so strange.

You keep saying "What did you say?" every 2 minutes when you're friend isn't even awake.

You watch tv for 8 hours and can't even remember 1 single show you watched.

You spend 15 minutes looking for your lighter, keys, or cigarette that is in your hand. (This has happened to everyone, I know it has)

You think it would be fun to go swimming in the lake at 5 A.M. and it's like 40 degrees outside.

You've opened 10 different soda's for cottonmouth and only took one drink of each.

You ate a houseplant.

You ate half a bottle of ranch sauce without anything else.

You eat half a back of chips before you realize you don't even like that flavor.

You decide to wake up your parents to tell them you took shrooms and wander around their room.(my brother did this on a bad trip, had to do quite a bit of explaining)

You think you are a tree, not because you feel like a tree, but because all you can see is a tree.

You drive in the turn lane for 5 blocks.

when you chug a bottle of maple syrup

go into a store and start spraying yourself with fabreez while people just watch

walk two miles for chicken wings

when you almost get hit by a truck but dont realise you almost died untill a half hour later

spend and hour trying to get off the roof of a school

when you have to have your friend tie your shoes

when you have to have your friend enter phone numbers into your phone

when you try liteing a liter but relies its upside down

when you come to this site instead of http://***********************/index.php

when you forget how to put your pants on

when you forget how to take your shirt off