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remadon1
March 8th, 2009, 11:27 AM
English paper
Fiction
Date I turned in: Fall semester of 06
Grade I got: 100 = A



I CANT ATTACH A FILE OVER 19.5 KB
ILL COPY AND PASTE THE PAPER

Well that messed up the format



It was yet another rainy, gloomy day like every other day that week. Special Agent Troy Barker was running from floor to floor in the Central Terrorist Unit where he worked. With each loud thump of his feet, his heart beat harder.

“Hurry! Someone get Troy to my office immediately!” said Kevin. The Information Communicator, panicked, while he pulled some information up on his computer.

Kevin had received a warning of a possible terrorist attack at the Trade Center in downtown Chicago, where twelve ambassadors were to meet and discuss trade overseas.

Ring. Ring.

“Hey, Dad, are you still going out on the town with us?” asked Kayla, Troy’s daughter.

“No, I’m sorry, Kay, I can’t get off work today,” replied Troy, in a hurry.
“But, Dad, you promised!”

“I’m sorry. You and your brother have fun.”

“Alright, bye.”

Troy swiftly ran up the Trade Center stairs with his men behind him, ready for the worst, like always.

“Kevin, pick five men and take positions on the roof and wait for my command. The rest of you men come with me,” Troy commanded.

Troy and his men walked through the narrow door and looked around suspiciously as one of the men’s eyes glanced upon a sign that read, “All leaders to the Washington Room.” Then Troy and his men set up their game plan.

“We have to make sure every floor is secure. No one comes in and no one goes out,” said Troy.

Troy walked to the door of the Washington Room and waited outside to hear what was going on inside. The rest of the men went to each of the floors to secure the building.

Back at CTU, a call had come in from another field agent that there had been nerve gas stolen from an army base in Illinois, and that the intention of the theft was uncertain at that time.

Troy heard loud noises coming from the room, so he burst through the door to find darkness, except for one small table light shining on the floor where a broken drinking glass lied. There was not one person to be found. A gun went quickly to Troy’s head and a man said, “Troy, we meet again.” Troy and Martin had worked together in a disastrous mission for the CIA. The man, ruthlessly, falsified evidence against Troy, which caused Martin to be dismissed from the CIA and imprisoned for two years.

Martin made Troy provide all of his weapons to him and tied Troy to a chair. What Martin didn’t know was that he pushed his stomach out so that when his stomach was sucked in the ropes would loosen.
“Martin, I should have known this was your doing.”

“Why Troy, whatever do you mean, my dear friend?”

While this was taking place, the rest of Troy’s men were still in position, waiting for a command.

Troy’s phone started to ring; it was CTU calling to tell him about the stolen gas. Martin took the phone and put it up to Troy’s ear and made him answer it, but Troy knew better than to ask for help or say that something was wrong, Martin knew all the distress codes.

The Trade Center was just a cover up for what was going to happen with the gas. Martin placed Troy inside of a connecting room that didn’t have any windows. Martin locked him inside and walked out of the building using his CIA badge. Martin wanted to keep Troy alive because he wanted to use Troy as a trade off; the government would give Martin something and Martin would give them Troy.

“Sergeant, you got the gas?” asked Martin.

“Yes, sir, safe, secure, and ready to be set off.”

“Good. You and your men know what to do.”

Meanwhile, Troy tried everything he could think of to get out of that room after already successfully escaping from the tied ropes. Finally, he took the metal buckle off his belt and used it as if he was using the claw of a hammer to get nails out of the wall, and broke the lock off the door.

Troy sneaked down the stairs to the bottom floor to find some of his men lying on the ground, dead, outside of the Trade Center. Martin had killed them when they tried to enter the tower. Troy was searching for Martin when Troy came upon one of his own field agents who told him that they had just been made aware that Martin was the one who stole the gas and was planning on using it there in Chicago. Evacuations weren’t allowed to be made because of the uncertainness of the target and the possibility of Martin’s men detonating the bomb early if they knew CTU was after them.

A call came into the White House; the President answered the phone and heard the following instruction:
“Mr. President, if you do not wish for nuclear gas to be used on American soil, I advise you to pay close attention to what I have to say. I want $200 million transferred into the Swiss account number 0023659. I want your all clear (signal) man to stand outside of the Hard Rock Café, talk to someone else, and drink a coffee, which he will throw away when the transfer is complete. You have until 2:00 pm. I will be in touch to let you know your next move.”
Everyone in the room with the President dropped their mouths in disbelief.

“Mr. President, what are you going to do?” asked his Secretary of State.

“What do you mean, what am I going to do? I’m going to save my people. I’m going to give him the money!”

The President and some of his men gathered in the conference room at the White House and teleconferenced CTU, including Troy. It was up to CTU to decide whom they wanted to send on the mission, and they chose Troy to be the “transfer complete boy”, and Kevin was chosen to be Troy’s associate. Kevin, quite unlike Troy, was very nervous about being put in the way of danger. He had only been out in the field a few times and the missions weren’t life threatening unlike the one he was just given.

All the money for the mysterious caller was put into a separate tracking account ready to be transferred to the other account. Troy then went into the Hard Rock Café and ordered a coffee. Troy then stood outside the café and talked to Kevin.

Kevin looked down at his watch, which read 1:59 pm. His nerves were getting the best of him. Troy glanced at Kevin and threw his coffee in the trashcan. Then they started walking down the street as planned, to see if they could spot anyone.

Troy excited, and Kevin troubled immediately asked their men that were stationed if anyone or anything had been spotted. They told them that the gas was set off at the Sears Tower, no one survived. Kevin and Troy rushed to aid of their co-workers at the Sears Tower. A search party was sent out for Martin, but since he was in hiding during the money exchange, he was nowhere to be found and they were left with without any leads.
When Troy and Kevin showed up at the Sears Tower, it was nothing but chaotic. People and debris laid everywhere. News anchors and their soon to be propaganda, with all their stretched assumptions lined the street. Troy decided that the squad on duty had had a long and hard day so the squad went back to CTU for debriefing and another squad took over.

On Troy’s way home he looked at his phone to find that he had a voice message so he answered it and heard:

“Hey, sis and I have decided to make dinner for you if you will stop and get whatever you like. See ya soon, love ya. Bye.”

Troy stopped at the grocery to pick up a few things for dinner and then headed home. Troy, exhausted, walked through the door, put the groceries up and then threw himself down in his favorite chair. He found a note on the end table that that read: Hey, Dad, went to the Sears Tower without you, we’ll be home around 6:00 pm.-Love Ya, Kris and Kayla.

methtownblue
March 8th, 2009, 12:56 PM
So Kris and Kayla died?

skullcandy
March 8th, 2009, 03:12 PM
That was really good. I can see why you made a 100. Its full of suspense and your ideas are clear cut. The ending provides that gut wrenching twist needed to just murder your audience.

methtownblue
March 8th, 2009, 08:05 PM
I've written better when I was a freshman. Too bad I lost the file to the story.

gentle pastor
March 8th, 2009, 08:58 PM
That story was utter shit. Lets have a look at the things you did wrong.
-Too stop start, no sense of flow or realistic time lapse (over what period of time did this all happen? we don't know because you suck at writing.)
-No character development or insight. All we get on each individual named in the story is a name, that's it. You had too many charactes for a story this length as well.
-Lame cliches. Overworked dad too busy catching bad guys to see his family, gee that's original, I wish I had thought up that one. Lead protagonists former partner betrayed him so now it's personal, I've never seen that one before
-No description. You basically have inside and outside, Is it raining? Are the walls white or red? What furniture is in the room?
-Things happened too easily and simplisticly. He escaped by sucking in his gut? What the hell is that? You gave no back story to the theft of the nerve gas or the past betrayl.
Here's a list of things you did right
-Speling, grammar and paragraphs. Unfortunately those marks are minimal.
All up I give it a 20/100

remadon1
March 8th, 2009, 09:26 PM
num i can see where your coming from looking back on it.
and the whole "sucking in his gut" thing honestly .....
i was lost and couldn't think of any thing James Bond like to do

thanks every one for the input.

oh and methtownblue yea they die.

The school forum is the has the lowest traffic on the site so
ill try to help it pick up .... with better stuff than this.

methtownblue
March 8th, 2009, 09:36 PM
I actually criticised everyone else's story that way in peer reviews. Everyone in my class hated me for that because they had nothing on me. I only ask for better written stories, nothing more.

BTW what grade were you in when you turned this in?

remadon1
March 8th, 2009, 10:12 PM
Oh i like criticism it makes us stronger in the end.

I was a sophomore.

methtownblue
March 8th, 2009, 10:48 PM
I don't know its just me, but that sounds a bit like sarcasm.

Nebuchadnezzar
March 9th, 2009, 10:26 PM
Hmmm...... 24 much?

CTU

president

partner betrayal

only one man can stop the terrorists





nuclear gas? ROFL