Scenario: Door-To-Door Jehovah Witnesses

[methtownblue]

Every year, it seems that my town becomes plaqued by a menace that just won't seem to go away: Jehovah Witnesses. They are such a nuisence to every person who finds these cretins at their doorstep. And despite having the doors slam in their faces, these people just go to the next house on the street; only to have the cycle repeat itself. Their preaching in the form of pamphlets is sickening to anyone unfortunate enough to stand witness to such a thing. The Jehovah Witnesses need realise the error in their ways and just stop this truly unjust cult of door to door preaching!

But of course I knew that this religious crime wave won't stop anytime soon, so I just decided to mess around with a witness when I had one at my very doorstep. I told her that I was an athiest before she even had the chance to speak. Her face was flushed with red, and she looked nervous before just backing off to leave. Of course when she was almost off my lawn she yelled "Jesus is real and you won't go to heaven!" The nerve!

So what would you do if you found yourself with the opportunity to mess around with these religious zealots?

[Kasnia]

Meh.. >_< my mom makes me answer the door because she hides. Lol.

One day I'd love to have my girlfriend over and answer the door half-naked with her or something. Or just say something like, "...Well, how does this affect me as an atheist?" or something.

[numerator-91]

This was a good one that I did. Not sure what religion they were but two guys were at the front door and it was about 5:00pm (it was also during the winter so the sun was setting and it was a bit dark.) The guy on the left asks me if I have seen the light, so I tell him 'sure' then I closed the door and turned off the front verandah light.

[Nebuchadnezzar]

My uncle is a Jehovah's Witness.....

He has some spectacular arguments between me, my realist cousin and my other uncle the communist.

This summer, the bastard had the nerve to ask my mom whether he should be on alert for me & my girlfriend fucking.

Plus, he's trying to indoctrinate my youngest cousin... Makes me wanna light his copies of "The Watchtower" on fire.

[MissTruant]

I find some of them are sooo rude, and so stubborn. They always come during dinner time. My mom makes me answer the door too; they seem extre***y prevelant in the area I live in. At least once a month do I get a visit. I usually just come up with something witty. The best reaction is when I told them I don't believe in their rubbish, because, I am in fact a Satanist. I though he might try to stab me with a cross or some shit...

[methtownblue]

I used to be a Satanist, but I hated having to hide my beliefs from everyone, even my godfearing parents. Its kind of hard to expain to everyone the misconceptions of such a misunderstood religion. So I'm currently an athiest, but I study other religions like wiccanism, hinduism and Taoism with a whole bunch of other isms.

[a2thae]

This is why people should get a dog like a german shepard.

[freetibet]

My uncle is a Jehovah's Witness.....

He has some spectacular arguments between me, my realist cousin and my other uncle the communist.

Ya I think i'd be an atheist too in your position :p

[cstrikehero]

My uncle is a Jehovah's Witness.....

He has some spectacular arguments between me, my realist cousin and my other uncle the communist.


Ya i can imagine...

This summer, the bastard had the nerve to ask my mom whether he should be on alert for me & my girlfriend fucking.


WOW.. even I think this is over the edge... WTF was he thinking?

[eva23]

Oh gosh, this does strike a chord.

I have a christadelphian church just up the road from me, and they sometimes try to talk to me, but not that often. There is no church for Jehovah's Witnesses, and yet they seem to be everywhere? Where do they all come from???
A few months ago, one of them knocked, and when I told him 'no thanks' he stuck his foot in the door and tried to get inside the house.

I'm thinking that next time they come around, I should have a surprise ready. Something like answering the door naked with a goat.... Just so that they NEVER knock again.

[cstrikehero]

A few months ago, one of them knocked, and when I told him 'no thanks' he stuck his foot in the door and tried to get inside the house.


next time. just stare at his foot for at least 15 seconds.. slowly look up and growl, "remove.. your..foot..." with a evil glare on you face..

but hey.. thats uncalled for completly..

thats attempting enter right there.. (maybe assault)(thats iffy)

[MetalMSTR]

well wel have a nice debating sesson with them (take control over them)
the bible that they reads says there will only 40000 souls allowed to enter in the reign of god so insteat trying to convince everyone to join to their fait they probably must to find a way to ged rid off the exesive poblation of them (start to banning themselves,looking for reasons to kick of withnesses etc)

[Deetinator]

Haha, make up your own population graph, showing that only 5 more souls will be allowed into heaven. Then make him run for the hills, telling his friends to call off converting.

[methtownblue]

If I could, I would go-all out on these religious whackjobs by showing them something very horrifying indeed. Of course I would probably need to do this on shows like Scare Tactics, or else I might get into some legal troubles if this ever went into actian. Also nobody likes to emotional and mentally shatter someone's mind now do they? Anyway I would make my plan go like this:

A witness would knock on the door. I would answer, wearing worn out clothing with fresh blood stains on them and I would be licking my greasy fingers. If the Witness asks to come in, I would say "Sure come on in" with an evil grin on my face.

The Witness will walk in, seeing a room with boarded up windows, letting in small streaks of light. On a wall would be a nice big collage of pictures with people, but the eyes would be cut out on the pictures. Everyone can see where I'm headed...

I would walk into the kitchen with my guest. The kitchen is dirty and ravaged by mold with the wonderful s***l of carrion wafting in the air. And it is a breeding ground for flies, which of course start to fly around my delightful guest. I ask for the Witness to take a seat on a creaky chair so that we can discuss his or her faith.

The Witness would then talk about how he would like me to make a donation to a church (or whatever they want these days), but would stutter a lot out of distraction. He or she is cut short when my friend in the basement is signaled to scream for help. I get up and say "Sorry for my buddy making that racket downstairs, he's always trying to scare away company" with a joking gesture. I then make an angry and demonic face and turn around to open the basement door. A massive infestation of flies buzz out the door and the screaming is even more audible. Also an even higher concentration of rotting meat enters the air, making it seem like some pretty horrific stuff went down in the basement.

I make an agressive movement down the old staircase. I then get a meatcleaver and start slamming the blade on wood to mimic the chopping up of bones and flesh. My friend then stops with the screaming to pretend to have died. I even squirt some pig's blood on the blade and my clothes for great affect. I run back up the stairs with the cleaver still in my hand.

If the loud noises and other indicaters of a serial killer/cannibal weren't enough to scare away my Jehovah Witness victum away, then I'm sure he or she will shit his or her pants when the blood on the meat cleaver and I are brought into view. The visitor will most likely fall off the chair in shock and scramble back on his or her feet to run away from me. If that does happen then I will say stuff like "Don't leave I want you to stay a bit longer!" As my guest flees out the door, the door will be locked with many kinds of deadbolt and others to make the person just panic.

I purposely slowely walk toward the Witness to add some generic horror movie tension. Also I yell "Your God can't save you from me!" Also as I get closer I say "Dinnertime!", and raise my meat cleaver. Just when I'm in almost in reach, the door is unlocked and the guy/girl flees out the door. My last words words would be "Your kind will come back, they ALWAYS come back!".

If you like this idea, then I would be more than happy to hear your opinions.

[Deetinator]

mother f*ck


that's so screwed up. yet, hilarious, yet...i don't know

[methtownblue]

I love your reaction. See kiddies, this is what happens when horror movies, brainpower and hate for stupid religions combine to make a very fucked-up prank. Yay!

[Cake]

A few years back some came to my house...riding bikes...luckily i was home alone....I let them in and they began talking about a bunch of shit while i was scheming. I didnt do anything but tell em to get the fuck outta my house because it was time for my daily animal sacrfice to satan. I thought about getting my 38 and running after them screaming that satan has compleled me to end you religion pushing....but i would have went to jail.....

[highfrye420]

You all have some kick ass ideas, i have never had one of these people come to my door that i can remember, or else i didnt answer if there was someone there. If they ever do i am going to have some fun with them, thanks for the ideas!

[methtownblue]

You all have some kick ass ideas, i have never had one of these people come to my door that i can remember, or else i didnt answer if there was someone there. If they ever do i am going to have some fun with them, thanks for the ideas!

Don't mention it. But try to use better grammer next time, because your post was a bit of an eyesore...

[Deetinator]

Some mormons came to our door before, so my dad just used the Bible to show them they were wrong. Good times....

[Cadaver Dog]

Don't mention it. But try to use better grammer next time, because your post was a bit of an eyesore...

Irony plz.

[methtownblue]

What are you talking about?

[highfrye420]

Don't mention it. But try to use better grammer next time, because your post was a bit of an eyesore...

Seriously? Damn, are you an english teacher? If you were, i could care less ima do me! You know what I meant so why does it really matter?

[methtownblue]

Seriously? Damn, are you an english teacher? If you were, i could care less ima do me! You know what I meant so why does it really matter?

Well just think about it highfry; because this is a forum, not AIM. This place is meant to exchange information, and neglecting factors like grammer and structure only undermines it.

Also it would be nice if posts look more presentable to people who stumble onto ACB, and have them know that we're educated and literate. It would also raise the bar of intelligence by having people give posts that are of good quality; which is better than having to read large amounts of unrefined answers.

Also this is the English language, which gains an increasing number of new words in its vocabulary. Also it is one of the most prevelant languages in the modern world. Don't undermine its importance by being sloppy and lazy.

So just put a little more effort into that keyboard with things like capitalising if it means projecting your maturity more effectively on the information superhighway.

[Cadaver Dog]

What are you talking about?
Grammar.

See it now? ;)

[highfrye420]

Well just think about it highfry; because this is a forum, not AIM. This place is meant to exchange information, and neglecting factors like grammer and structure only undermines it.

Also it would be nice if posts look more presentable to people who stumble onto ACB, and have them know that we're educated and literate. It would also raise the bar of intelligence by having people give posts that are of good quality; which is better than having to read large amounts of unrefined answers.

Also this is the English language, which gains an increasing number of new words in its vocabulary. Also it is one of the most prevelant languages in the modern world. Don't undermine its importance by being sloppy and lazy.

So just put a little more effort into that keyboard with things like capitalising if it means projecting your maturity more effectively on the information superhighway.

Hmmm.. I wonder if you are addresing me? If so YOU should have put a little more effort into it! No ones perfect. So please tell me what was wrong with my post, then i might take it all into consideration!

[methtownblue]

Grammar.

See it now? ;)

I think I was talking about grammar, not spelling.

[methtownblue]

Hmmm.. I wonder if you are addresing me? If so YOU should have put a little more effort into it! No ones perfect. So please tell me what was wrong with my post, then i might take it all into consideration!

If you really want to see some effort, then look at my thread on American Education Reform in the Politics section. Trust me I only wrote my reply to you while in a hurry, so don't expect perfection. And I think you could easily see what I was trying to tell you in the introduction in my far-from-perfect answer.